#mydailyblurb - Something a Little More Personal

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"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact just surrounded by assholes." - William Gibson

Still one of my favourite quotes to this day. 

Walk with the people who walk along with you, learn from the ones who don't and leave behind any of those that are blocking your path. You will always find a way to keep going.

In life there will always be the choice of doing whatever it is that you love or being dragged into all the things that have none of your interest. Always follow love.

I stopped drinking 4 years ago now. 3 of which I spent solidly sober and the last year of which enjoyed a drink every now and again. Only this time with different intentions. 

To begin with it was tricky. Everybody drinks. Or so it feels like everybody drinks. And if you don't drink, you get the annoying pressure from sentences like "come onnnnnn have 1 drink with me I'm only in town for the weekend" or "you've become so boring now take a shot with me." All of which are investments for the other persons not feeling like a twat around someone sober.

On the odd occasion it will be an overwhelming disbelief where for ten seconds you are placed on a pedestal as being this bizarre unearthly creature who doesn't drink. "Oh. My. Gosh. Where did we find her" drawing all friends closer to get a better look. Especially when at times their amazement came from your ability to have the best time ever, completely sober. I started to think everyone had gone completely and utterly mental. 

I expected reactions but maybe not all those reactions. What I didn't expect is how dramatically my life was about to change. For the better. First of all I lost a lot of friends. Very quickly I realised they weren't really friends at all. It's funny to see the congregations of people through partying/drinking and their attachment to each other as they build create each others safety nets, unable to bare their own company. And how many actually stick around when that's all done. What actually happens when you take the crutch that's holding everyone up away? How has everybody become so obsessed with getting f*cked? I quickly realised how good of an anaesthetic alcohol is and that maybe a lot of people were just trying to numb themselves in the name of fun. When I put the booze down reality came and gave me one big huge fat slap in the face. Every emotion I had ever been drowning in alcohol sub consciously or consciously, came to visit and they didn't mind staying for very long. 

You see the thing is when I was going through all of this I very much went through it all alone. Because the people I held close to me weren't actually very close to me at all. No one was to blame, but we were all friends kept together as we cushioned each others escape routes never actually knowing what was going on in each other's personal lives. Never wanting to know either. There is after all, such a massive stigma around the topic of depression and shame around anything that might be other than "perfect". I tried and opened up to a few of these friends who almost just sat there staring blankly unable to deal with their own emotions, how were they even going to listen to mine??? It was a hopeless case so I carried on, on my own journey. 

Meetings and therapy and group therapies all started my process of healing. The Universe is a very magical place because just as I was starting to hit rock bottom my dear nutritionist came over on a "surprise" visit and took one look at me and whilst I thought I'd been so good at hiding, she looked at me with great concern. She notified my sister and a few days later sent me a book - from the Hoffman Process -  with some recommendations to a therapist. I had no idea what was about to come.

 

My awareness began from my very first therapy session with someone I owe my life to! She opened my eyes to all these feelings of anger and pain that I had been blocking for over 10 years. Pain of which came from my parents divorce and all the nasty stuff that comes after that, negative unnecessary extended family involvement, being in a relationship with a heroin addict for 3 years (unknowingly for the first year) and having my trust completely betrayed through another relationship with lying, stealing, aggression and verbal abuse being the main traits. We go for both negative and positive traits that we find in our parents and we look for them (sub-consciously) in our relationships, as our attempt to fix what we couldn't fix when we were younger. Only that's not how we fix things. We fix things through an awareness of ourselves and the breaking of specific behavioural patterns that lead us to going round and round in circles by making different choices.

Understanding this meant I was finally able to start making these better choices, and breaking these behavioural patterns. Releasing grief, anger, pain and forgiving. Allowing myself to move on. All of which were tools given to me by my beautiful therapist.

Where I walked along the streets and saw everything as grey and grim I started to finally see beauty. Where there were days I wish I wasn't around there is appreciation and gratefulness. Where there were days I wanted to drown myself into an oblivion I now face reality and always go for what fuels me.  

The feeling of knowing there is something so much bigger than us is a beautiful feeling. My trust in the Universe, in what is meant to be will be, and of letting go of the things that no longer serve me to allow room for all the things that do, has never been stronger. Everything always happens for a reason. Every new leaf in life has something to teach.

I continue to make choices that better my life and help me to thrive, which is why I live the way I do, because I have seen the true potential to what life can be. I no longer want to run away from life. I want to take in and savour every second of every moment of it. Nature amuses me. Documentaries enthral me. Writing enlightens me. Connecting with people completely warms me. Good food, good friends and great laughter all nourish me. I stimulate my senses through spending more time outdoors, waking up early and being active.

I make the choice to spend my time with the people I love and the people who love me. Who I value for their time, their honesty, their openness and their care the same way they do me. I appreciate the true support and the encouragement and the genuine happiness these friends offer at reaching new milestones or the journey in getting to these milestones in the first place. I appreciate the friendships that are ever giving and receiving. The friendships that know everything about me but don't hold my weaknesses against me. The friendships that exchange their life stories openly and honestly and ask how you are too. The friends that listen with empathy and no judgement. The friends that recognise depths and have a fear of shallow living. The friends whose conversations excel beyond gossip. The friends who live for purpose and work to create something meaningful. The friends that strive to make a difference. Some old, some new, these friends are few but I cherish them so deeply in my heart. 

I have no interest in the nightlife unless the night life is sitting around a fire exchanging stories looking at the stars or a cosy night at dinner having a laugh with some friends or a late night movie at the cinema. I have no interest in fuelling my body with anything that could potentially be harming it. I have no interest in wasting any more time or energy on people who can't accept differences. On meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations. I have no interest in people who are closed minded with a lack of empathy and full of judgement. I have no interest in the people who choose to be so selfishly self absorbed without giving anything in return. 

I have no interest in the people that fuel negativity, or drama, hold jealousy or bad energy. I have no interest in the people who make small talk. I have no interest in doing any more of what I don't love doing. 

"You must make a choice, to take a chance, or your life will never change."

And I chose and continue to choose to change my life for the better.

f you suffer from emotions undealt with; anger, hurt, pain, the loss of a loved one through death or addiction, anxiety, depression and would like to consider therapy, I highly recommend the following sources:

http://www.hoffmaninstitute.co.uk/index.html

http://thebridge.events/

http://donnalancaster.co.uk/

book: You Can Change Your Life - Tim Lawrence

ou are never alone <3